Patterns can be so hard to break. And can cause a heart-to-break.
And another thing: isn't it funny how different people can respond so differently?
That sounds like such a *not* profound statement, but think about it. My dh (darling husband) reacts to people and situations so differently than I do. He is strong in his decisions and doesn't waver from what he feels. I can so easily be moved to see the other person's side, no matter how badly I've been hurt in the situation.
I was strongly convicted earlier this year to confront a used-to-be-very-close friend who, over the course of almost two years, had simply walked away from our friendship for no obvious reason. Not even for a semi-obscure reason. Seemingly, for no reason at all. I spent a whole year trying to figure out why she left our relationship.
Up until then, we had spent all our "extra" time together either shopping, getting our nails done, or hanging at her house drinking coffee. We talked about everything from Bible studies to real estate. We didn't have everything in common, but we had a lot in common. We both have all boys, we both have head-strong husbands, we both adore coffee and white pizza from the NYPizza place down the street from her house.
Our friendship started out with a bang, as she was going through a time of questioning her salvation. The very first time I was at her house, I told her the best thing to do was just settle it right there, right then. She did; we prayed together on her living room floor. This was the foundation of our friendship. We were off to a good start.
After many months of developing a wonderful friendship, she decided to walk away. I was confused enough to call her one day and ask, "Have you lost your MIND??" That's not actually what I said, but you get the picture.
I hung up the phone that day convinced that she was over her "funk," whatever it was. To my dismay, she wasn't. We continued to drift apart until we finally got to where we never, ever talked at all, even when we were sitting at the same table or in the same room. We pretty much ignored each other to the point of absurdity.
Where and how it went wrong I couldn't tell you. But the point of this whole thing came clear into view for me recently. I've heard my sister, Rachele, say that through a series of hurtful and tumultuous events in a relationship, she realized she had been a "casualty in someone else's war." I now know exactly what she meant.
My used-to-be-very-close friend and I had a visit shortly after my conviction from the Lord. As I said before, I was convicted that the way we were behaving toward each other was self-centered and just plain upid-stay. (Everybody knows pig-latin, right?) My conviction was confirmed, as God had been speaking to her about the same thing. I got to say everything to her that I've been holding in for the last year and a half. Praise God I am now free of carrying that junk around with me all the time! It was a heavy burden to lug around, and it weighed even more every time I was around her!
We talked, we hugged to say goodbye, and I left the church feeling uplifted. Really, it was my burden that had been lifted-up. By the time I got home, my dh had a scowl on his face. "Is there something we need to talk about?" he said. "Well, there is something I need to talk to you about, but what is it you are thinking?" came my reply.
My used-to-be-close friend had called my cell phone while I was gone. My dh answered it and was very surprised to hear her on the other end of the line. Surprised wouldn't be the word, actually. Disappointed. Disheartened. Discouraged. Any of those would do. He wants to protect lit'l ol' me, and does NOT want me to befriend her again. At all. Not even a little.
I assurred him that I most certainly am not; I still have a guard on my heart, but that I needed this for closure. I needed to hear from her why she deserted our friendship like she did. I needed to know that it wasn't something I did or didn't do, that it wasn't just that she simply rejected me.
I don't believe it was that simple now, but rather that she has learned some really bad patterns in her past relationships. She said she didn't know how to fight for our friendship. She's never had to do that before. In times past, the thing to do was to walk away. All the relationships she'd had before only lasted so long, and then it was time for a walk.
All of sudden, in the course of this conversation with her yesterday, I realized I've simply been a casualty in her war. A war that's been raging in her since her dysfunctional childhood. A war that raged in all three of her marriages. Thank God that she and her husband now have God in their lives, and they look to him for direction. But she is still not without the consequences of what she learned as a child, and so needs to learn a new way by following Christ.
My dh, in the interest of my protection and emotional preservation, has determined that I will not allow her back into my life as before. I can understand that, because the poor thing had to listen to me whine about how bad my injuries hurt when I was going through the healing process. I had, you could say, a purple heart of friendships, acquired in friendly fire.
But I traded that bleeding purple heart for a renewed one. Today, my heart has been resurrected by the King of Resurrection! I praise Him for healing and restoration like I have never found anywhere else. Yet another reason to celebrate Resurrection Sunday!
Our relationship will never be restored to what it was, but my emotions and my heart remain in tact. And so does my testimony in her eyes and in the others who know her and are privy to what's happened. If she thought I hated her, what would that do to my testimony? I shutter to think it.
What do I mean by writing all this out? A couple of things: 1) God made me in such a way that I MUST get things out. Usually I just say it, because it's quicker that way. But then I am accused of talking too much. SO, writing naturally comes to mind. 2) As a way to remember what my Mighty God can do, and in fact has done in my life. I should never, ever question what He's up to. Because whatever it is, it's always teaching me something. Whew.
Lord, help me to develop good patterns, healthy patterns, holy patterns. Help me to help others learn how, too. Thank you, Jesus, for Redemption and Resurrection!
In Him,
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My Lord ignited a fire within me – an intercessory fire – unlike anything I have ever felt. I truly know what it means to say His grace is enough and it is enough for this man too. My heart was aching and full at the same time. Instead of seeing the pure flesh surrounding this man, I saw a dad with two little girls who was potentially doing irreparable harm. His heart issues go way down deep and this peering at young girls will hurt his heart and his family. I saw the sin and the reason Christ came. My disgust turned to deep compassion and my heart broke because like a pebble cause infinite ripples in a body of water so does his sin into the hearts of his family. The ripples he is causing will do damage and this man needed prayer not condemnation.
Ever watched Extreme Makeover: Home Edition? That is quite possibly my favorite television program of all time. At the least, it ranks in the top 5.
